New Lyrics- Partial

C

Chuku

New member
Wrote couple of lines while i was stoned yesterday. lol :D
I started staring at a sky and dreamt of my crush and came with a lyrics. :D
planning to do a new song on the following lyrics...
Any feedbacks will be appreciated. :)

Paper Boat

Will you fly high &
touch the sky?
Float on a clouds
and play like a child?
Will you be there to hold my hands?
we shall make a paper boat
and float on a sky.
you by my side and
the world on the other side
oh! darling hold me tight.

I will smoke your breathe &
disappear in your eyes.
Sing our melodies &
wave the birds passing by.
---------------


It is yet to be completed and i thought to share with you guys for any kind of feedback. I will be tweaking it in future while i write a song.
:)
Cheers.
 
The lyrics are childish and whimsical, which some might find okay, but they're also really cliche. The cliche thing kills them. It's like you're writing colloquial phrases/cliches we hear in day to day life and piecing them into a song. It doesn't seem to have any meaning. Try to dig deeper and find lyrics that mean something to you.
 
:D
thanks man. I know it's not that good but i also really don't know how to write great stuffs with complicated words/ with proper grammar and literature. :P
 
Hi, I think you're main 'problem' - causing the cliché effect - is that you're looking for a metaphorical approach and are simplifying it too much. What can make a difference is if you try to go for the same underlaying essences but simply re-formulate the lines.

Will you fly high &
touch the sky?

- Would you dare to look a fear in the eye for the cause?

Float on a clouds
and play like a child?

- Dare to soar the skies like you've dreamed of as a wondering child?

Will you be there to hold my hands?
we shall make a paper boat

- Build with me and carve the wonders in stone?

you by my side and
the world on the other side

- Side by side 'till the break of dawn with the world under our feet.

I quickly tried to re-formulate some of your lines as an example and tried to capture some essences. Some might still edge towards 'corny' or 'cliché' but it shows you can make simple lines have a more deeper feel without losing a certain core.

Hope it helps,

Peace
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top