My attempt at writing a song

witm8

witm8

Member
:eek:

Was happily messing around with my guitar last night - and something weird happened.

A 'song' started to unfold right in front of me. First came a little 'hook', then the chords, then a baseline quickly followed.

I started to panic like a 16 year old lad who was imminently going to lose his virginity - I'd heard about it, I knew all about it, I'd read the articles - but when it came down to the business end of the deal, I wasn't entirely sure what I was supposed to.

Ahhhhhh, the good old days :rolleyes: So I did what I did all those years ago ......... I winged it.

By that I mean, plugged everything in and pressed record. Recorded each track individually - popped them together - and hey-presto - out came something resembling a song.

I was on a roll !!

I grabbed a pad and a pen - and the lyrics just fell out onto the page, and vaguely made sense - to me anyways.

I’d been listening to a lot of old indie music from the 90’s (my prime) – so that’s why there’s a definitely a distinct Madchester vibe – intentionally may I add.

Here it is:

https://soundcloud.com/tim-summers/josephine-my-origional

I may leave it like this – or I may re-do some of the individual tracks, as some of the guitar playing is a little dodgy to say the least.

As this is the ‘song writing’ I suppose I should put the lyrics down:

…… You’re sad and weary
Wondering if you’ll ever make it home
…… Because it’s long and lonely
Walking down the beach on your own
On your own with a girl called Josephine
On your own with a girl called Josephine

I’ve sailed on water, slept with your daughter
She told me what you’re doing now for rent
Been to the slaughter, slept with your daughter
She’s told me that your money’s all been spent

Impress what you’re feeling
Suppress what you’re needing
From that angel named Josephine

Your eyes were bottle green, skin like a coffee bean
Shaking your tambourine, to be believed you must be seen
Smooth like a movie scene, your fingers stained with Nicotine
Addictive like a slot-machine, you are my libertine.

I’ve drank you water, dug out your daughter
She told me all the places you frequent
I’ve seen the slaughter, kicked out your daughter
Now that all your money has been spent

…… So here’s my theory
I don’t think that you’ll ever make it home
…… You’re just a trophy
Walking down the beach on your own
On your own with a girl called Josephine
On your own with a girl called Josephine
On your own with a girl called Josephine
On your own with a girl called Josephine
 
It's a good start...but I think you need to keep working on it...refine it as it's kinda...well, "simplistically repetitive"...the same melody over that same 4-chord progression, over and over.
IMO...it needs a chorus(es), a break of some time, a bridge...something at least once somewhere in there.

You have some decent lyrics, but they could use some re-write in a few spots...avoid the simple/obvious rhymes.
And just keep at it...try out some variations, etc...and more will "unfold" for you.

Don't take it negatively. We all started there, basic "ditties", etc, and over time, your songwriting skill evolves and your songs start to gain more structure and individuality.
When you write you 2nd, 3rd and 4th songs...you'll understand.
 
StoneJack said:
wow, this is great!
Click to expand...

Thanks, it's always good to know that someone else likes it.

miroslav said:
It's a good start...but I think you need to keep working on it...refine it as it's kinda...well, "simplistically repetitive"...the same melody over that same 4-chord progression, over and over.
IMO...it needs a chorus(es), a break of some time, a bridge...something at least once somewhere in there.

You have some decent lyrics, but they could use some re-write in a few spots...avoid the simple/obvious rhymes.
And just keep at it...try out some variations, etc...and more will "unfold" for you.

Don't take it negatively. We all started there, basic "ditties", etc, and over time, your songwriting skill evolves and your songs start to gain more structure and individuality.
When you write you 2nd, 3rd and 4th songs...you'll understand.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the comments - I acutally don't take it as a negative at all :thumbs up: You saying that it's simplistically repetitive is wierdly EXACTLY what I was going for. I've been listening to a lot of 90's indie music (Happy Monday / Stone Roses) and none of that lot were exactly musical genius's. Noel Gallagher has made a career of recycling the same 4 chords only in different orders for every song.

In their drug infused minds I think that 4 chours and a really simple melody going through the whole song was all that they could remember.

I tried to add a bridge afterwards, and also tried a add a chorus - and it just didn't fit with the whole dumbed down vibe of the song.

With reference to the lyrics - bang on again. For some of them I specifically went onto rhymzone and picked out easy simple rhymes. Again, back in the 90's I very much doubt that most of the indie bands could remember anything harder than a nursery rhyme, so keeping it simple was definately the main focus here. Singing a song whilst 100% off their heads on drugs needed to be really simple

Yeah - Green, Been, tambourine, seen, scene, nicotene, slot-machine - my young lad could have come up with those words.

But again, just google Shaun Ryder, Mark 'Bez' Berry, Ian Brown etc and they're hardly the sharpest tool in the box.

:thumbs up:
 
witm8 said:
and they're hardly the sharpest tool in the box.
Click to expand...

:D

I was never blown away by most of the indie stuff that came out in the '90s for those exact reasons...the drone/repetition/nursery rhyme thing....but I know much of that generation grew up with it, so they are attracted to it...the shoegazer kind of stuff...
...which is maybe why I would do more with the song and suggested it...
...but if you don't want to do anything more with it and you like what you got...that's all that counts. :thumbs up:
 
it's really good. the lyrics stand out in a positive way. nice chord progression. the lead solos are maybe enough change/diversity to get away without a second part, but i'd like to hear a little harmonic movement (new chords or some movement, as mentioned). you seem to not want to do that, though, which is cool if this is how you hear it and want it. but as a listener i want some movement or tension of some kind.

i've been listening to "going down" and "sally cinnamon" by stone roses a ton lately, btw!
 
witm8 said:
Noel Gallagher has made a career of recycling the same 4 chords only in different orders for every song.
Click to expand...

That's somewhat of an elementary way of looking at it...

Believe me, bands that recycle chord progressions have more going on under the hood than that. There are leads, drum fills/beats that change, bass lines accommodating the section, and the all-important vocal melody. It isn't as simple as playing the same chords over and over again and calling it a day. There's a method to the madness, and I'd bet the producer behind the scenes is the one who helps shape that mold into something listenable. In punk rock, yes, it might be that simple. A band like Oasis, however, with access to the top producers and studios, will undoubtedly have far more production almost "masking" their simple chord progressions to deliver a more rounded out listening experience.

oh. i haven't listened to your tune yet..sorry ;) soundcloud doesn't open until noon at work
 
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