Lately, all my songs feel like they are missing something. Latest problem child.

S

Shrivel

New member


My last 3 or 4 songs have been really well written, IMHO. But the problem I have run into with each has been that feeling of 'not quite complete' when putting them into listenable form. I feel this song has what might be my second strongest verses to date combined with a nice chorus, but the problems are here:

1. It feels like it dies in the chorus. No matter what I add to the chorus I can't get it to come alive. I've tried Supertramp-ey acoustic guitars, I've tried electric guitars, more keyboards, less keyboard, etc. Nothing seems to help.

2. The whole thing sounds small. I've have always struggled with making my recordings sound BIG. I just don't know how to do it.

I welcome any feedback you might have here.


Lyrics

I keep falling to waking dreams
I keep riding the tidal streams
that flow

You keep pushing and pressing me
Always bending and stressing me
To grow

Displaying my selfish greed
Failing under your endless need
To show

Lying broken, there’s no relief
A word spoken, a healing grief
You know

A coming day of timeless peace
A sweet release
From me
I wonder if I’ll find your face
A priceless grace
I’ll see.

On the bottom you’re holding me
Barely moving, I cannot breathe
I’m done.

A choking weight surrounds my chest
A smoking hole to pierce my vest
You’re gone

Dark confusion, I ache; I plead
Am I amusement to suit your needs
Alone

From the darkness I make my climb
A blinding rage remains with time
I’m home.
 
Here's my honest opinion on your dilemma:

making a song sound "big" and a song sounding "complete" are two very different things. Anything can be made to sound big, even a terribly written tune. Likewise, a full and complete song can be made to sound "small". Some of the best written songs (via sales or other things that can objectively be used to identify them) sound amazing with nothing but an acoustic guitar and/or piano. Work on the song first. Get it to be complete on its own, then worry later about recording and mixing it. Try to keep in mind its final sound while writing (the big picture, if you have one). It helps to get an app for recording sound on your phone - use it to record your tunes acoustically, then listen to it over the next few days. see if you still like it, or if it sounds like a complete tune, at the end of the week. Always, always, always, listen to other music as well. You will be amazed at how much influence something new/fresh can give you in areas like melody, bridges, transitions, etc...

so, work on the song, get it complete, do a scratch recording and wait a few days. then, if you like it, move forward with recording it. if you have problems with the final mp3, post it into the mixing clinic for feedback.
 
I would try a big synth and sing higher in the chorus, maybe add some more intense drums. This song sounds like it wants to break out like an AWOL Nation but ends up like a slow burn a la Massive Attack. Sounds like you prefer the former so I'd make the instrumentation change in the chorus.
 
Try turning down the vocals a bit, turning up the snare a lot and giving the sub a little nudge upwards as well. The snare might do even better with some large room reverb. Just some stuff to try

And yes, someone beat me to it but add another synth for the chorus. One that really puts it out there from the verses.
 
I appreciate the minimalist approach to accompaniment when it works well. In my opinion, it does not work well in this song. The arrangement isn't doing enough to support your vocals. The bass and the fiddly synth parts aren't suggesting the chord changes, let along providing counterpart and harmony to your vocals. Parts of it almost sound like I'm listening to acapella. I wasn't sure when I was hearing the verse and when it was the chorus. I also think the vocal melody could be further developed and improved, but that the lack of a solid arrangement to sing against is holding you back there too. The song seems to drift--melodically, harmonically, and rhythmically until the more steady drum part kicks in later on.

My suggestion would be go back to the fundamentals. Build up a strong arrangement that forcefully lays out harmony and rhythm. Build your vocals on that foundation. Then, if you still prefer the minimalist approach, see what you can cut.
 
I agree with Robus definitely on the bass line. The bass line in the chorus doesn't do anything to create drama (IMHO). I wanted to hear it go down to the bVI chord or something when you said "a coming day of timeless peace..." --- right where the chorus started. But it didn't really do much different than the verses, and that's why I think it's not doing what you're wanting. Also ... there's kind of an odd lull before the beginning of the chorus. It didn't start when I expecting it to; it started like a measure later or something. But nothing was going on, so it's not as though any extra drama was created or anything. It just felt kind of odd.

All that said, I think the tune has a lot of potential, and your vocal performance is really nice. Best of luck with it!
 
famous beagle said:
I agree with Robus definitely on the bass line. The bass line in the chorus doesn't do anything to create drama (IMHO). I wanted to hear it go down to the bVI chord or something when you said "a coming day of timeless peace..." --- right where the chorus started. But it didn't really do much different than the verses, and that's why I think it's not doing what you're wanting. Also ... there's kind of an odd lull before the beginning of the chorus. It didn't start when I expecting it to; it started like a measure later or something. But nothing was going on, so it's not as though any extra drama was created or anything. It just felt kind of odd.

All that said, I think the tune has a lot of potential, and your vocal performance is really nice. Best of luck with it!
Click to expand...

A positive agreement to this and all responses before.

I feel the song has great potential but there is just something missing to bring it to where it needs to be.

I bet you find it. :)
 
Go listen to some Peter Gabriel.
Eerything you want to know about fixing your song is there. :)

His album "So" will do...or even his earlier ones before "So".
 
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