Insight On Some Song Lyrics I'm Working On?

AaronChapman

New member
Any insight on these lyrics I'm writing. What style of music do you think the song should be? I'm feeling a mixture of blues and jazz elements. Lyrics are below.

You're a fine glass of wine. Oh, but you taste so sweet.
You're a tall glass of sorrow. Oh, but you taste so sweet.
And if I wasn't always drinking, I might know, how you poison me so. How you poison me so.

Chorus:

A sip here and there leaves me shaking at the knees.
When the glass is all empty I feel guilty for the need.
You wash away, wash away, wash away the care.
And by such cavalier, I've learnt only to despair.

Cause you're a

Fine glass of wine. Oh, but you taste so sweet.
You're a tall glass of sorrow. Oh, but you taste so sweet.
And if I wasn't always drinking, I might know how you poison me so. How you poison me so.

Chorus:

Cause a sip here and there leaves me shaking at the knees.
When the glass is all empty I feel guilty for the need.
You wash away, wash away, wash away the care.
And by such cavalier, I've learnt only to despair.

Cause you're a fine glass of wine to me, the most expensive wine there is. An expensive glass of sorrow, something that I should never miss.
But, if there's one thing I know for certain from such a mystery. It's that when I'm finally feeling happy, you're nowhere to be seen.
 
Haha, I'm guessing you're implying it's a little on the repetitive or excessive side? It was an idea of mine to incorporate the delicacy of glass as some kind of metaphor (open for thought) in regards to the relationship portrayed. I found the imagery with the glass interesting but maybe I'm just being pretentious. I don't really know. What do you feel is wrong with the use of "glass"?
 
Yeah man, the repetition gets to me. Maybe second line 'your a tall flask of sorrow'?

I don't know. It actually sang and heard may have a difference. In print it just seems all 'glass' to me. lol.

Cool though, don't get me wrong. You did ask. :)

Reminds me of a Rod Stewart song...
 
I'll bite. I don't usually comment on lyrics, but I have some thoughts about yours.

Don't repeat the the verses unless you have at least 3 non-repeating verses. So... come up with something new for the 2nd verse.

Jimmy is right with the repetitiveness. Here is a suggestion on the first verse to remove the repeats:

You're a fine glass of wine and you knock me off my feet.
You're a bed full of of sorrow. Oh, but you taste so sweet.
And if I wasn't always drinking, I might be thinking, how you poison me so. How you poison me so.

Actually, to me that sounds like it should be the chorus.
 
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Chili. You've all convinced me that it'd be best to come up with something new for the 2nd verse. Not to sound stubborn and what not, but I think I'll keep the original verse as it is, then just

replace the second verse with something new. Perhaps, expand on the physical state of being under such a spell. I actually like the dichotomy between the two uses of the glass at the beginning. I'll change the 2nd verse to mix

things up some. Yah, I see what you mean about the verse sounding like it should be the Chorus. I'm not sure if the Chorus section is too long or what, but it just doesn't jibe at the moment.

BTW, I tried to figure out a decent melody for this song. Here's my rough attempt (excuse the sloppiness; this is just a draft). Do you think the use of the first verse sounds better in this context? I think the guitar parts for the chorus need some work. It just seems a little dull. I'll see what I can do in that regard. Problem is, I chose a funky tuning for this CGEbFBbD....I'm finding it rather limited with certain things. Cool, nonetheless.

Link: Glass Of Sorrow (song Idea, raw recording) by Aaron Chap | Free Listening on SoundCloud
 
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