I'd Appreciate Feedback/Criticism on a Demo

JLJ

New member
Hello!

I've recorded a rough demo of one of the first complete songs I've ever written (without hating). I have to apologize for the rough quality of the recording itself (I'm still learning how to record/mix/master properly), and also for a few vocal hiccups (mostly in the bridge of the song). I'd appreciate any constructive criticism anyone could offer in any area; lyrics, melody, structure, etc. Anything you have to say, I want to hear!

For anyone who takes the time to listen to the recording, thank you and I appreciate it.

JLJ | Free Listening on SoundCloud

Visitors:

Verse 1:

Tracing shapes in the window
Of the Greyhound bus to Toronto

The buildings, they stand so tall
Across the skyline

Walk out of the station to the mall,
To find you
We hold each other tightly in the hall,
And pass through

The warmth of your smile (I feel the world shift to me)
It's so familiar
Forgetting the future
To live as a visitor

Verse 2:

Parade down the streets all day
We don't run out of things to do, or say

With you I stand so tall,
Suspended in time

Restaurants, museums, urban sprawl,
In bright light
Grin and laugh so sweetly through it all,
Until the night

The warmth of your touch (I feel the world rest in place)
It's so familiar
To lay there (so silently)
To live as a visitor

Bridge:

You left me, or tried to
And yet I still travel here
We forget, or try to
Supress all of our fears
Of turning to leave,
To never face our end
But if it's not now,
Not tomorrow,
Can you tell me - when?

Verse 3:

We wake to the morning glow
Embrace sullenly before I go

I will not turn to look,
For I can't bear to

See you on your front step wiping tears,
From your eyes
We haven't got the hang of letting go,
Or goodbyes

The cold and the concrete (I feel the world shift away)
And it's so familiar
To feel all you've left alone
To live as a visitor
 
IMO, song and performance beats anything technical. I don't have anything to criticize about your song. Enjoyable, and nice job with blending vocals.
 
First of all, I think the song is really nice, and you have a great voice.

Regarding the production aspect of the recording, IMHO, there's too much going on ... at least way too soon. I was just getting into the vibe and trying to pay attention to the lyrics and melody when all the swooping background vocals started up, and I couldn't tell what I was supposed to focus on. I lost the melody, and I had a lot of trouble understanding the lyrics. If they weren't printed there, I definitely wouldn't know what you were saying most of the time.

I think Verse 1 should just be one vocal and one guitar really. Then if you want to bring in some other elements, do it in Verse 2, and you can employ some mixing methods to help them from interfering with the lead vocal so much. (I think the BG vocals could come down a little and still be perfectly audible, for example). I know you said you're still learning to mix, etc.

These are just my thoughts, but I think you have a really nice song here. Also, I really liked the fingerpicked acoustic part. Thanks for sharing.
 
The entire thing feels "rushed" to me. I recommend playing along with a metronome and not playing ahead of the beat.

Beagle had some good points. The vocals coming in didn't bother me, but I can see how that would be too much for some. It's a lot like Fleet Foxes or Iron & Wine and all the bands like that who come in with lots of voices. From a songwriting standpoint, personally, I'd like some type of buildup instead of "pretty" the entire time. Dissonance makes pretty even prettier. That's how I view it at least. I'm not hearing enough dissonance/tension.
 
Thank you everyone for the nice comments, they're greatly appreciated. Also, thank you Nola and famous beagle, I actually agree with your criticisms and Im definitely going to try and work them into the next version of the song.
 
Beautiful track. Do you have plan to do a further production with more instrument or this is it?

Bringing in some more instruments would be really nice, also may be it would sound better with few bpm less in tempo. And a proper mixing to separate additional vocals from the main one. They kind of takes away the focus.
 
I really enjoyed that, I though the melody itself was very sweet and enjoyable, as was the overall structure of the tune. I think that the biggest improvement lies in production of the overall song.

With slightly longer, story-oriented songs (as I interpreted this one to be) I find it really beneficial to think of the song as a living, breathing thing. When a new instrument or backing part is introduced, think about how that relates to the specific lyric, or tone in the song that you wish to convey to the audience. Even more important is to be selective about how long (or short) that new part is included in the song.

In the case of this particular composition, I think using the backing vocals selectively (bringing them in and out, perhaps isolating one side, having an answer on the other) will do the track a lot of justice. I also think it will help bring the main lyrics up more, which in my opinion were one of the strongest parts of the song that got lost.

Keep at it though! I think you have a ton of great things to work with here :)
 
Very original style. I agree with the suggestions from the previous posters, especially about waiting before bringing in all the harmonies. One of the things I have been trying to work on myself is to always have no more than 1 or 2 things in the "spotlight" at any one time, especially in the beginning of a tune. Knowing what to leave out is as important as knowing what to put in. Would love to hear more.
 
Overall I think the song's theme and sound have a consistent integrity, along atmospheric, interior, sad/beautiful lines. For me the recording sounds well in terms of sound clarity. I echo comment regarding difficulty hearing lyrics and suggest reducing background lyric volume. The less-common articulation pattern (emphasis and duration of syllables) is a double-edged sword with great potential here, but must be able to grasp words/meaning clearly.

From an arrangement or composition standpoint, you could consider changing the guitar triplets pattern to a quieter pattern at some point; in the bridge I believe there is an uptick in energy toward the end (strum pattern) and this could be more effective if there is a shift in the triplet pattern prior to that, possibly both through volume/mix. To some extent this is along line of prior poster suggesting more tension/contrast; on the other hand there is a sustained 'agony' or bittersweetness that matches the theme and content of the song. This is a solid achievement as is.
 
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