I have been working on my own art.... i'd like honest opinions.....

J

jandrews248

New member
How I ironic, I'm super sonic. I have no problem picking a lock or traveling threw the earths plate tectonics! I can't help the fact that I wanna rap like a strippers ass cheeks go flap flap flap like a bat or like a walrus ar ar an slap slap slap. I'm gunna fast track these orders to get them off my lap. You'll see me walkin down the street hoping one day ill be the VIP of this city. Yes it's my fault I don't even have a penny, but don't blame me for the fact that I can't see thee.

I'm on a time limit at the same time unlimited. Making shot from around the conner, no longer a threat. Super sonic an plated with chain mail smithed dragon scale.

All this rage built up, getting ready to blow like a TNT or an M16. I'm not a player just another emcee, trying to make my living while sprinting when I shouldn't be. I don't need help from anybody workin my way to the top. No I don't listen rap or pop yet I drop my own hip hop and the things ill say will make your chin drop. I'm not afraid to put a nail in a pot then get a bowl of soup, I just hope it's not to hot.

All you judge mental fucks, sitting back taking your shots at me while I'm not looking. What did you think I was in the kitchen cooking? Hell no I been waiting out my time so I can spit my rhyme and watch you try to climb when I'm already at the top cuttin your line. I hope you read this vine and realize that you reap what you sow and keep in mind that you took all that time sowing a sock?

I'm on a time limit but paralyzed, unsatisfied. No matter how hard I try I will never fly, but I look up at that sky an swear one day ill make you mine. You better believe it and I won't quit till I sit next to the shrine.

You do yours and ill do mine and ill go ahead an sign my dotted line. You said you want to rewind? No sir, we don't have the time, then no telling what you'll find. I think it's because you have no punch lines, or the fact your mind can't react as fast as mine? Be jealous, I had to confine my mind to try build this rhyme so I can say, do you remember the time? Ill tell you about the time I said I'd never be able to spit out one line, that I'd never even put forth the time to even think of a single chime!


Now my mind is traveling at super sonic speed with the need to be set free, we call ourselves a new kind of breed with a sign saying "please don't feed." Yet I believe that we're born to lead when the world gets to it's greatest time of need.

I'm short on time so I gotta make sure I'm right on line. I can't sing but this voice is mine! My circle is as small as a dime but once your in there's enough room for a fine dine.

We have organizations created by our defaulted nations to cover our eyes with the red tape called creation. Lets get explicit, think about the time you said you missed me? Remember when you said that we will see? I remember when you were happy, happy Gilmore get a hole in one on a par 3. I hope you feel real fucking guilty. One day ill be the leader of the undead army! Watch me!

I still find it ironic that people think the should be honest. Well take a look in the mirror an tell me what you see, a hypocrite, a lier, oh geez it's like a disease. "No I wouldn't lie to you!" Bitch please! So you want me to believe that your perfect and don't have to leave? I know I've lied and done wrong but I'm not afraid to admit it, that's why I wrote this song!


All I can do is learn from my mistakes and hope that you will use your brakes and come down to a more reasonable pace so you don't end up with a fucked up face. I feel like it's a tragedy, there are people like me going around yapping their flaps because we just don't care you see. We're young and free and do what we please, you try and stop me with these final last words ill blow out your knees.
 
are you any sort of musically inclined by chance? have you ever written any type of material at all? when you read this along with the other one that you gave .75 out of 5 are you reading it as you would a book or with any type of rhythm? if I was to read it off like I would a paper for school then the teacher would fail but what it if it wasn't read off by an average joe like he was reading a script to hamlet that doesn't know the story? a personal rating isn't an opinion... try putting feeling into something when you read it rather than reading it off sounding like a Muppet.
 
this was my first piece that I've finished. I'm trying to bring feeling back into this style of art. rap is the worst thing that could happen to art, the rap game was born and torn apart music and returned with far less than par.. I want to be the part of a new beginning of a clean style of art, to be able to burn someone without having to use obscene language to get the point across.
 
It's tough to critique it without something to reference it with. If you can rap these words along to a music track or at least a drum beat then it will be easier to get the jist of it.
 
jandrews248 said:
I want to be the part of a new beginning of a clean style of art, to be able to burn someone without having to use obscene language to get the point across.
Click to expand...

Why is it so important to you to "burn someone"? Why can't you rap about things you love, like puppies or something?
I think you're afraid you won't come off hard. Kind of like you're frontin' to the world but inside, you're soft holmes. Admit it, you're cryin in there.
 
jandrews, I think you're new style is allot like slam poetry. But I also agree with fat_fleet. You sound like someone who is really just crying inside (allot like me) but you're afraid to show that, so you put up a hard front, trying to show some grit or "toughness." I do agree with you when you complain about using obscene language to try to get the point across. This link is pretty funny, and explains just about everything I hate about most contemporary music:

 
I think Will Smith covered the clean rap diss track in Freakin' It. Your song still has swears in it though, so I'm not sure exactly what you're going for. That being said, I'm not a rap fan in general, but there are a very few songs that I like. Obviously you hear a song when you type it on the screen, but we only see the words.. you could make a garageband beat on your iphone and try to rap over that. Or like someone else said beat poetry, if it doesn't have music then at least perform it for us. From our perspective, it's like trying to show someone how fast a car is with a still frame photo.

Not song related, my opinion on your direction... the whole music messiah thing of 'I'm going to save my genre of music!' is not a good path to go down. It comes across as totally eye-roll worthy. I knew a guy who was an amazing guitarist, had connections and money, and wanted to 'bring back rock n' roll.' It didn't work. Having a mission statement like that is good for a resume, but shoving it down the listener's throat before they listen is sure to make them throw up. Calling your audience muppets because they don't 'get it' is also not a good way to garner positive attention.

I would recommend this entire series on youtube to anyone who wants to write songs. Honestly I don't know a lot of John Mayer songs.. he is very talented, but this clinic he did is excellent.

Watch this one from 1:55 to 2:55
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXSLTdcH22k

Watch this one from 0 to ~ 2 mins.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiC03q_gMG0
 
It might be easier for people to imagine the rap if you wrote it out in poetry form, instead of paragraphs. Then we would see where the flow is.
 
I hope you don't mind, but I decided to edit your material.

I've changed a few things and ditched some things. I didn't like the reference to 'woman beating' at the end, and as I ditched it an alternative ending just practically wrote itself. Hope you like the changes, if you don't sorry.
Al

How I ironic,
I'm super sonic.
I have no problem picking a lock,
Or traveling threw the earths plate tectonics!
I can't help the fact I wanna rap
Like a strippers ass cheeks go flap flap flap,
Like a bat or like a walrus ar ar an slap slap slap.
I'm gonna fast track these orders to get them off my lap.

You'll see me walkin' down the street,
Hoping one day I'll be the VIP of this city.
Yes it's my fault I don't even have a penny,
But don't blame me for the fact I can't see thee.

I'm on a time limit,
At the same time unlimited.
Making shot around the conner,
No longer a threat

I'm Super sonic an' plated with chain mail,
'Smithed with dragon scale.

All this rage built up,
Getting ready to blow like a TNT or an M16
I'm not a player just another emcee,
Trying to make my living while sprinting when I shouldn't be.
I don't need help from anybody.

While workin' my way to the top.
No I don't listen to no rap or pop,
I just drop my own hip hop
Caus' the things I say will make your jaw (chin) drop.
I'm not afraid to put a nail in a pot
Or draw a bowl of soup, I just hope it's not too hot.

All you judge mental fucks,
Sitting back taking shots while I'm not looking.
What did you think I was in the kitchen cooking?

Hell no, I been,
Biding my time, so I can
Spit out my rhyme, as I
Watch you try to climb, I'm
Already cuttin' your line.

I'm on a time limit, but,
Paralyzed,
Unsatisfied.
No matter how hard I try,
I will never fly.

But I look up at that sky an',
Swear one day I'll make you mine.
You better believe it,
I won't quit until I'm by your side (till I sit next to the shrine.)

So you do yours
And I guess, I'll do mine
I'll go ahead an' sign on the dotted line.

You said you want to rewind?
No sir, we don't have the time,
Caus' there's no telling what you'll find.
I think it's because you have no punch lines,
Or the fact your mind can't react as fast as mine?

Go ahead, be jealous,
I had to confine my mind
To try an' build this rhyme, so I can say,
Do you remember the time?
I'll tell you about the time,
I said I'd never be able to spit out one line,
That I'd never put forth the time to think of a single chime!

Now my mind is traveling at
SUPER SONIC
Speed,
With the need to be set free, we call ourselves a new kind of
Breed with a sign saying "please don't
Feed."
Yet I believe that we're born to
Lead when the world gets to it's greatest time of
Need.

I'm short on time so I gotta make sure
I'm right on line.
I can't sing,
But this voice is mine!
My circle's as small as a dime,
But once your in,
Why don't you sample the wine?
There's room for everyone to dine.

We have these organizations
Council on Foreign Relations
To cover our eyes with the red tape called
Creation.

Lets get explicit,
Think about the time you missed me?
Remember when you said 'Let's wait and see?
I remember when you were ha-ha-ppy,
Happy Gilmore get a hole in one on a par 3.
I hope you're feeling now, feeling real, real guilty.

One day I'm gonna be,
The leader of an army,
The zombie apocalypse,
Just go ahead and watch me.
Watch me!
Yeh! go ahead and watch me.

I still find it ironic,
People think we should be honest, take a
Look in the mirror,
An' tell me, what do you see?

A hypocrite, a liar,
Oh! geez it's like a disease.
"No I wouldn't lie to you!" bitch please!

So you want me to believe,
That you're so pitch perfect
That you don't have to leave?
I know I may have lied and
I may have done you wrong,
I'd be the first to admit it,
That's why I wrote this song!


But all I can do is try to learn from my mistakes,
An' hope that you will use your brakes,
An' come around here to talk me
Down from this high climb,
Caus' I feel I'm losing my mind,
I don't want them saying,
He was too young to die,
Because we all have our time.

And isn't that the fact,
That is truly ironic.
That we're born into this life,
An empty vessel isotonic,
With the potential to shine
As brightly as Polaris,
But we'll be diggin' the dirt,
Illuminati Nosferatus

So I'm standing on this ledge,
With my ass up in my belly,
Staring at the ants below,
And others watching Telly,
If I'm to meet my Maker,
Then so be it, let's do it,
A simple lean forward,
Yes, that should do the trick.

Now I'm floating like a butterfly,
An' stinging like a bee,
Mr. Ali is waiting there,
Arms open, he'll catch me
An' the love I'm now a-feeling,
Is like I'm still a-dreaming,
As you look upon my casket,
Are you gonna 'Ask it'?

'What made him jump?' you ask,
Your voice gently quivering,
'What made him jump?' my Mama,
Spits out through the ashes,
'The thought of spending eternity with yous bitch'
Now that is I ironic,
Truly Super Sonic.
 
Last edited:
Sorry I forgot to add, the reason I edited your material was because parts of it I thought were really good and it deserved to be shown in a way that made it more accessible for people to read it.

Going through it, I only changed stuff that I thought made the rhyme easier to deliver (I must say though, I'm 52, white and don't listen to any rap music and as such, my skills in this genre are obviously limited).

Al
 
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