The first song I ever wrote. (1971)

Illsidgus

Illsidgus

Desiccated Member
This song is very simple, a bit morose, not quite stream of consciousness. It was how I was feeling at the time. The melody pretty much matches the mood of the lyrics. Believe it or not, back in 1971 whenever we played this song, as soon as we started the audience recognized it and would applaud and cheer. I am thinking of rewriting the second verse to remove the spiritual theme and writing a new third verse instead of repeating the first verse. Do you think it would be worth the effort?

Ice And Stone

Sitting in my world,
Shivering in the cold.
Look at all those faces,
Made of ice and stone.

Do you see any love there,
In those faces of stone?
I think you know what I mean friend,
Everyone is so cold.

Can you see the day?
Do you know the way,
To the loving father,
Through the golden gates?

Or do you feel and emptiness,
Eating at you insides?
I think you know what I mean friend,
I can see it in your eyes.

-Guitar-

Sitting in my world,
Shivering in the cold.
Look at all those faces,
Made of ice and stone.

Do you see any love there,
In those faces of stone?
I think you know what I mean friend,
Everyone is so cold.

Thank you for any comments or thoughts you may have.
 
It's be nice to hear it. Words on a screen don't really convey what you intend of a "song".

The words look like some of my first attempts at songwriting. Nothing to shout about really, from my perspective. If you like them, what does it matter what anyone else thinks?
 
Mr Clean said:
It's be nice to hear it. Words on a screen don't really convey what you intend of a "song".

The words look like some of my first attempts at songwriting. Nothing to shout about really, from my perspective. If you like them, what does it matter what anyone else thinks?
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Thank you for your response. This is the first bit of my work that I have submitted since I joined HR in 2012. I had plans to record this and maybe I will now even if only you give it a listen. I suspected that people would not "get" the lyrics these days, our collective psyche was in a different place in the late 60s/early 70s.
 
You should definitely record it. I'd most certainly give it a whirl and I'm sure others would too.

Not many people comment on lyrics to songs on there own as they're hard to "get". In the context of a song they'll speak much better sense.

:thumbs up:
 
fat_fleet said:
Don't give me a choice then, make me feel it.
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I'll see what I can do. I am recording with a TASCAM 244 so I will need to rehears each part until I can play them as good as possible before I commit it to tape. And I am very sorry to say that I will have to do the vocals myself as I don't know any vocalists or other musicians for that matter. When I have it ready I will post it in this thread.
 
Consider your song structure as you work on it - you repeat the first stanza, and second stanza (is this the chorus?) People like to sing along with popular songs, so a repeating chorus is best for that. Not that all songs need to follow the 'usual' structure, its just what people are used to, for example: verse/chorus/verse/chorus/lead or bridge/chorus/outro
 
Illsidgus said:
Well, your silence speaks volumes so in the trash with this song.
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Don't feel bad....I threw out a lot of of my "first songs".

That said....I can totally get where your lyrics are coming from when I consider the year you wrote them in.

Add some Uriah Heep style of music....and they will work. ;)
Oh...I really liked UH, back in the early '70s...of coruse today, their lyrics would not connect.

(listen to the words)

 
I would have to agree with the others, I can't really comment on just words. The words really come into its own for me in regards to the music/vocals.
 
It seems like you need something to tie in the chorus to the verse.
Like others have said in the context of music and melody it might be fine. It just seems like verses a out cold stone sad faces don't lead to the chorus of do you know the father.

What do I know though. I'm struggling through some lyric writing now.
It's hard to get it all together lyrically.
 
jimistone said:
It seems like you need something to tie in the chorus to the verse.
Like others have said in the context of music and melody it might be fine. It just seems like verses a out cold stone sad faces don't lead to the chorus of do you know the father.
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At the time the lyrics coupled with the music seemed to work quite well, but then it was a different time. The verse structure is sort of a hybrid construct. Rather than verse-chorus-verse it verse 1a-verse 1b - verse 2a-verse 2b where the b section of the verse sort of tries to serve the function of a chorus as well as complete the thought or theme of the verse.

jimistone said:
What do I know though. I'm struggling through some lyric writing now.
It's hard to get it all together lyrically.
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I certainly understand that, I have other songs from the early to mid 70s that I am still trying to tweak the lyric. When you have been struggling with a set of lyrics for 45 years "struggling through some lyric writing" takes on a whole new meaning.
 
Just record it and don't worry about conforming to any non-existant restrictions like "it needs a chorus". There are many different structures for songs, like AABA ABAB ABABC, etc....Some of the biggest hits in history didn't have a chorus, like "Yesterday", "Every Breath You Take", thousands of others that I can't think of off the top of my head.

Lyrics on a white sheet don't mean shit. A song needs music. Many great songs "look" stupid, but work perfectly with the music.
 
miroslav said:
Don't feel bad....I threw out a lot of of my "first songs".

That said....I can totally get where your lyrics are coming from when I consider the year you wrote them in.

Add some Uriah Heep style of music....and they will work. ;)
Oh...I really liked UH, back in the early '70s...of coruse today, their lyrics would not connect.
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I have been a fan of UH since the early 70's. I wish I could write like Box and Byron. We did have a great organ player in the band, he played on this little Farfisa organ and he played it masterfully. I guess it gave us a little UH and Deep Purple sort of sound at times.
 
Illsidgus said:
I have been a fan of UH since the early 70's. I wish I could write like Box and Byron. We did have a great organ player in the band, he played on this little Farfisa organ and he played it masterfully. I guess it gave us a little UH and Deep Purple sort of sound at times.
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I wish I could get the guitar tone they had on the "magicians birthday" guitar solo. I've spent many a stoned hour in smoked filled cars listening to that guitar solo on 8 - track in the 70's
 
jimistone said:
I wish I could get the guitar tone they had on the "magicians birthday" guitar solo. I've spent many a stoned hour in smoked filled cars listening to that guitar solo on 8 - track in the 70's
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I'll have to give 'Magicians Birthday' a listen this evening and see what I can figure out. Probably nothing. One of my favorites is 'Lady In Black'.
 
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