Feedback requested, original song.

R

Robus

Well-known member
Hi. I'm looking for feedback on an original song I just finished. It's a solo project, so everything you hear is me. I welcome comments and suggestions on anything: Song writing, arrangement, performance, mixing. I take criticism well.

Here are the lyrics. Thanks!

Crop Circles
Words and Music by Ray Taylor, 2015

Into the heart of stone
There's a stone left to turn
No laws tonight
Passion sparks and burns
All very simple things
From the natural springs
These fields are dark and wide
Draw us to the other side
Touch and fall entwined
We are young
We are young

Across the sky
The speed of light
A spark lights up the land
And falls upon the planet face
And everywhere a trace
On every field and every face
A design
And the seed you carry now
Yours and mine

And the skill of my hands
The work of my mind
The skipping heart
A smile
These things belong to you
While I am

And maybe we are
And maybe we will be
Our destiny

Into these fields
Trampled down by frost
We watch the sky with every lover's eye
This child we made, a thought engraved
Into the great design
And for all the world, a sign
We were here
We were here

 
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Very well done song, I was going to say the vocals should come up, but it seems for the 'otherworldlyness' of the song they may work where they are. Really nice guitar work, and i like the mix as well. It sounds like there are a ton of layers, but you did a great job. I don't think the synth adds very much at the end, especially since it was absent through the whole song. It would be cool to hear it without it, or maybe at least pushed back so that the hectic guitar solos can be the main focus.
 
Thanks for that. There are a lot of layers--it was a pain to arrange. I'll give it a listen without the synth in the ending jam. That whole section needs a remix. I think there are four guitar tracks, probably should be simplified to highlight one or two of them.

Since I'm at it, I'll post another song that is pretty close to finished. I'd like a better vocal take, but this seems to be what I can achieve at the moment.

Age of Reason
Words and music by Ray Taylor, 2015

Something called me
Back to the neighborhood
And the city blocks where we said
That life is good
Or died seeking sympathy
And an easy queen

In the back of my Econoline van
In the park you said I was the man

There was no mistaking you
For anyone at all
From the street I watched you walk
Watched them spin and fall

And I rose
Cause even we must know
In the complicated life
The secret signs
Of the ordinary kind

There was something very clear I know
Lighted in the age of reasons glow

Saw you by the park
We had a conversation
Just an observation
All about a lady
Well if you got the time to spare me
I'll not walk away
If you got the mind to please me
You know I want you that way
Summer days go sailing on their way

I saw it was July
Summer days go by and bye
Even hearts grow dry
I danced alone, you danced alone
Then we said goodbye
Standing on the corner in the rain

There was something very sure I know
Lighted in the age of reasons glow
There was something dear I know
I can feel it in the afterglow

If you got the mind to leave me
I'll not stay
If you got the mind to please me
You know dreams are made that way

Did the man have anything to say?

 
I like the musical concept and composition of the instrumentation. The spacey layers make for an interesting sonic landscape. I didn't enjoy the end bit, though. The song had finished lyrically and musically, and it was an unnecessary outro. There are some mixing things that may need looking at, for example, making the vocals a bit less wet.

I also liked the lyrics.

But interestingly, I'm not convinced the lyrics and the structure of the song work well together. Sometimes the phrasing sounds a bit awkward, and sometimes the melody seems a bit free-form, as if it hasn't been fully sorted and it's kind of being made up as it goes along. It may be deliberate, but my preference is for melodies that are more defined. I also have a fondness for strong hooks, and I'm not really getting much from this track.
 
Okay, I just had a listen to Age of Reason, and the comments I made for Crop Circles apply exactly to this track as well, i.e. great instrumentation, but to much reverb on the voice, and a rambling strong structure that gives the listener very little to hook on to. By the time you get half way, you kind of forget what the first bit was like. If someone were to ask me about song structure, I would not be able say whether there was a pattern there or not.
 
OK - you asked. You probably should put this in the Clinic and get some mix feedback, but you're sort of asking for both here...

I think it sounds like a guy who can't sing very well, or isn't very confident singing, who's drowning his vocal track in reverb and sinking it into the mix to try to get away with it. It doesn't work. I think the lyrics are too spacey and ethereal to have any real meaning - perhaps they do to you, but they just read and sound like bad 70s pop/prog to me.

That said, I don't mind the length, don't mind the musical interludes, and don't mind the outro, however I'm going to point out that you're also just drifting between reasonably routine chord changes of different types... there's not a specific melody, riff or theme to latch onto, it's mainly jamming, which adds to the general washiness of the whole thing. Nice if you like that sort of thing, I guess, but I don't.

That also said, there's a good song in there somewhere... it needs something more musically concrete to base it around, and you either need to get a better singer, or get drunk or punch yourself in the face or something, to put a bit more life into the vocal...

I'm a crap singer myself... I recognise what you're doing.

It's a nice effort, but needs more work. Take it back to the lab and give it a bit more juice is my advice... but only because you asked!:thumbs up:
 
Can't listen (at work now), but just reading the lyrics and comments, I think you need to work on focusing your lyrical parts first - i.e. what the song is about. I see 'verses' of differring lengths, no repeated choruses - no 'hooks'. Your title for the first song is never used in the lyrics at all, and only used in the middle of a section on the second song.
 
Thanks so far. This is what I need to hear. I should point out, the objective absolutely is to get a better singer.
 
I agree with Gecko regarding the melody. There's not enough repetition, and it almost sounds improvised. There's nothing really to grab hold to. I think the lyrics are ok, but it was hard to really connect with them (IMHO) because of the aimless nature of the melody.

You weren't asking about the mix, but I also agree with others about the fact that there's too much verb on the vocals. In fact, if I didn't have the lyrics there, I'm almost positive I wouldn't have known what you were saying much of the time.

There's some cool guitar stuff going on though. I think the song has potential; I just don't think it's there yet. My .02.
 
This has been extremely helpful. I want to thank all of you who took the time to listen and comment--EricIndecisive, gekko zzed, Armistice, mjbphotos, famous beagle.

I'll leave these up for a while longer, then probably pull them down while the songs go back in the shop for repairs. Meanwhile, I welcome further comments and suggestions.

Here is what I am getting so far:

1. Vocals. Really a problem. I'm pretty confident of my abilities on guitar and feel that I am progressing on bass. As a vocalist, my limitations are obvious. I am trying to improve but at the end of the day, the best I can hope for is to sing well enough to demo songs. I am looking to hook up with a real singer. The overuse of reverb, burying the vocals in the mix, as some of you pointed out are clear signs of insecurity about my voice. I need to cut that out. Good or bad, the vocal must be out front.

2. Melody. Some of you felt that the melodies were indistinct. I usually play the melody on keyboards when I am thinking about how to build up the vocal harmonies. Maybe I need to go further and transcribe the melody so I have it there in front of me in black and while on a sheet of paper, and so that any weakness is glaring. That might help my singing too, to be able to see the note I am reaching for.

3. Song structure. Some of the comments found the song structure to be rambling, lacking in repetition and hooks. I'm on the fence about the first song. I totally agree about the second song, Age of Reason. It needs a more traditional song structure. I am leaning toward axing a section in the middle that begins about 1:20 and another that begins about 3:58. I'll see if I can make the transitions more direct. Also, the song could stand to lose a minute in length.

4. Lyrics. One of the comments found the lyrics fit awkwardly with the melody. I think I know what you meant. Another felt they needed more focus, hooks, and I guess stronger storytelling values for lack of a better word. Personally, I like the lyrics to the first song a bit better than the second. My wife is no connoisseur of poetry or lyrics. I asked her what she thought Crop Circles was about. She said: Two kids have sex in a field at night and she gets pregnant. ;)

Thanks. More comments welcome.
 
Robus said:
Hi. I'm looking for feedback on an original song I just finished. It's a solo project, so everything you hear is me. I welcome comments and suggestions on anything: Song writing, arrangement, performance, mixing. I take criticism well.

Here are the lyrics. Thanks!

Crop Circles
Words and Music by Ray Taylor, 2015

Into the heart of stone
There's a stone left to turn
No laws tonight
Passion sparks and burns
All very simple things
From the natural springs
These fields are dark and wide
Draw us to the other side
Touch and fall entwined
We are young
We are young

Across the sky
The speed of light
A spark lights up the land
And falls upon the planet face
And everywhere a trace
On every field and every face
A design
And the seed you carry now
Yours and mine

And the skill of my hands
The work of my mind
The skipping heart
A smile
These things belong to you
While I am

And maybe we are
And maybe we will be
Our destiny

Into these fields
Trampled down by frost
We watch the sky with every lover's eye
This child we made, a thought engraved
Into the great design
And for all the world, a sign
We were here
We were here

Click to expand...

i like these lyrics a lot, very poetic.
Now where is the track?
 
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