Feedback on lyrics please!

S

StoneJack

Member
I am writing a mellow acoustic ballad, will put soon here the recorded version, but meanwhile, I would really appreciate some feedback regarding lyrics:
Thanks beforehand!

Verse
hey bro, why you’re are smiling
hey bro, why you’re so sad
in this time of the changes
brutal ages,
cruel fate
and blindfold hate

hey bro, why you’re are smiling
hey bro, why you’re are so sad
in this time of the changes
phoney angels,
lonely days
and loveless nights



Chorus
Hey bro I miss you tonight
Hey bro I need you tonight
Hey bro I want you beside
deep in heart we’ll never be apart

hey bro, you’re always smiling
hey bro, you’re always young
in this time of the changes,
ruthless ages,
blind fate
and failed state

hey bro, fate’s divided us
hey bro, clock’s stopped for you
in this time of the changes
and wreckless ages,
you’ll always stay young
and be gone

Hey bro I miss you tonight
Hey bro I need you tonight
Hey bro I want you beside
deep in heart we’ll never be apart
 
Stonejack,
There're a few grammatical things you need to tweak as well as some flow to the patterns. I've made those changes and emboldened them for clarity.
Verse
Hey bro, why’re you or why are you smiling?
Hey bro, why're you so sad? or why so sad?
In this time of changes
Brutal ages,
Cruel fate
And blindfolded hate

Hey bro, why’re you or why are you smiling?
Hey bro, why're you so sad? or why so sad?
In this time of changes
Phoney angels,
Lonely days
And loveless nights



Chorus
Hey bro, I miss you tonight
Hey bro, I need you tonight
Hey bro, I want you beside me
Deep in my heart we’ll never be apart.

Hey bro, why’re you or why are you smiling?
Hey bro, you're always young
In this time of changes
Ruthless ages,
Blind fate
And a failed state

Hey bro,fate's or fate has divided us
Hey bro, the clock’s stopped for you
In this time of changes
And wreckless ages,
You’ll always stay young
And always be gone

Hey bro, I miss you tonight
Hey bro, I need you tonight
Hey bro, I want you beside me
Deep in my heart we’ll never be apart
 
You could add some whences and thusses an shit.

A bloodcurdling scream would be nice in the chorus.

And some sha-la-las always up the ante...
 
mjbphotos said:
Too many 'hey bro's.
Click to expand...

Maybe on paper, but we don't know until we hear the song.

This is why I would never post just lyrics without the music. It's almost a total waste of time because of the (lack of) context. In this case, it wasn't a waste of time because Ray made some very necessary corrections. But, in general, I think even the best song reads really stupid without music.

How many times does Pink Floyd say "Hey You" in their song entitled...."Hey You"? :D
 
RAMI said:
How many times does Pink Floyd say "Hey You" in their song entitled...."Hey You"? :D
Click to expand...

I just checked. They say it 9 times.

Stonejack says "Hey Bro" 14 times, but he says it 3 times in each chorus. Floyd's song doesn't have an actual chorus. Take away Stonejack's choruses and he only says it 8 times. Floyd says it 9 times.

Too much math this early in the morning. I'm going back to bed. :eek:
 
RAMI said:
Maybe on pThis is why I would never post just lyrics without the music. It's almost a total waste of time because of the (lack of) context. In this case, it wasn't a waste of time because Ray made some very necessary corrections. But, in general, I think even the best song reads really stupid without music.

How many times does Pink Floyd say "Hey You" in their song entitled...."Hey You"? :D
Click to expand...

Right, this is mostly true. But on a serious note, I don't think Ray's corrections were necessarily necessary for the same reason.
I know I personally bend grammar and correctness all the time to fit the cadence of the vocal melody. There's a good chance ray's extra syllables might not lock in with the flow of the song. "I can't get any satisfaction" anyone??

If I can't think of a word that fit a rhyme, I often just make one up. I'll often use a made up word even when there are real words that fit, just because the made up word sounds cooler.. because, as you mention, it's the way it fits with the song that matters.

I have an old song where I sing "Check it out" more than 60 times. There are 3 pages of other lyrics tho.
 
fat_fleet said:
Right, this is mostly true. But I also don't think Ray's corrections were necessarily necessary for the same reason.
I know I personally bend grammar and correctness all the time to fit the cadence of the vocal melody.

If I can't think of a word that fit a rhyme, I often just make one up. I'll often use a made up word even when there are real words that fit, just because the made up word sounds cooler.. because, as you mention, it's the way it fits with the song that matters.

I have an old song where I sing "Check it out" more than 60 times. There are 3 pages of other lyrics tho.
Click to expand...
No, I agree. I like "Bad" English in a song, but it has to sound cool. I'll often say "Don't" instead of "Doesn't" if it fits and sounds better, for example, and many other slang-ish sounding things that are wrong grammatically. I've also made up some pretty cool sounding words.

But I think Ray's corrections were warranted for the most part because it didn't read like "cool" bad English to me. It read more like "Second language" bad English to me.

I get your point, though. I don't disagree.
 
RAMI said:
Maybe on paper, but we don't know until we hear the song.

This is why I would never post just lyrics without the music. It's almost a total waste of time because of the (lack of) context. In this case, it wasn't a waste of time because Ray made some very necessary corrections. But, in general, I think even the best song reads really stupid without music.

How many times does Pink Floyd say "Hey You" in their song entitled...."Hey You"? :D
Click to expand...

All of this ^^^^^

Lyrics without music is just a douchey poem that's trying too hard to be clever.

I tell people all the time that the bird is the word. But it doesn't have any impact until it's put to music.
 
RAMI said:
No, I agree. I like "Bad" English in a song, but it has to sound cool. I'll often say "Don't" instead of "Doesn't" if it fits and sounds better, for example, and many other slang-ish sounding things that are wrong grammatically. I've also made up some pretty cool sounding words.

But I think Ray's corrections were warranted for the most part because it didn't read like "cool" bad English to me. It read more like "Second language" bad English to me.

I get your point, though. I don't disagree.
Click to expand...

Yeah I use terrible English in songs, but lots of times I'm "in character".. There was some rock writer, I can't remember who, that said rock music is pure id. It can't really sustain concepts much more complex than "Yeah", "No", "I want", "Gimme", "Go away" etc. While I don't necessarily think it's that simple, I do think there's something about rock that just shrivels up in the face of too much self-consciousness/proper grammar etc. There's definitely a line you can cross.
 
The E.S.L. sense prompted me to make changes to the song.
I automatically stepped into patronising E.A.O.L. mode.
As it's to be a "mellow acoustic ballad" the lyric is hung out to dry publicly and if the grammar, syntax and semantics aren't snappy, cool, or at least correct, then the music/vibe isn't going to make it so.

If I were to really work the lyric from my perspective I'd have removed "bro" and adjusted the narrative flow of the verses because the 1st doesn't seem to work in the context of the others.
That's be heavy handed though so I didn't.

As you've noted, I'm a puffed up pedant who writes puffed up, pedantic lyrics. I do so in an attempt to avoid the accepted rules of rock'n'pop lyrics because I can't write authentically in that mode just as some E.S.L. folk can't do the rocklish stuff.
 
rayc said:
Stonejack,
There're a few grammatical things you need to tweak as well as some flow to the patterns. I've made those changes and emboldened them for clarity.
Verse
Hey bro, why’re you or why are you smiling?
Hey bro, why're you so sad? or why so sad?
In this time of changes
Brutal ages,
Cruel fate
And blindfolded hate

Hey bro, why’re you or why are you smiling?
Hey bro, why're you so sad? or why so sad?
In this time of changes
Phoney angels,
Lonely days
And loveless nights



Chorus
Hey bro, I miss you tonight
Hey bro, I need you tonight
Hey bro, I want you beside me
Deep in my heart we’ll never be apart.

Hey bro, why’re you or why are you smiling?
Hey bro, you're always young
In this time of changes
Ruthless ages,
Blind fate
And a failed state

Hey bro,fate's or fate has divided us
Hey bro, the clock’s stopped for you
In this time of changes
And wreckless ages,
You’ll always stay young
And always be gone

Hey bro, I miss you tonight
Hey bro, I need you tonight
Hey bro, I want you beside me
Deep in my heart we’ll never be apart
Click to expand...

* Оh thanks a lot! I definitely will fix the mistakes! And thanks a lot for nice suggestions :)
 
Reworked text: (in demo, only first verse and chorus are recorded).
Thanks for great suggestions! I am no good at vocal, so I apologize beforehand for bad vocal :)

Hey bro, why are you smiling?
Hey bro, why're you keep laughing?
In this time of dark changes
Brutal ages,
Cruel fate
blindfolded hate

Hey bro, why are you crying?
Hey bro, why're you so sad?
In this time of fast changes
Phoney angels,
Lonely days
And loveless nights

Chorus
Fate has crossed our path
Fate has taken you from us
Fate’s got no tears, no regrets,
And it is us who keep losing friends,
and it aint
many left
till the end
my bro

Hey bro, why’re you smiling?
Hey bro, you're always stay young
In this time of dark changes
Ruthless ages,
Blind fate
And a failed state

Chorus
Fate has crossed our path
Fate has taken you from us
Fate’s got no tears, no regrets,
And it is us who keep losing friends,
and it aint
many left
till the end
my bro

Bridge
time has stopped for you
fate has chosen you
You’ll always be with us
Until the end of times

 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top