Break Me Down - any tips or feedback?

B

BillyBucker

New member
Hi all! I'm working on this song and thought it might be helpful to have some feedback. The vocals are scratch one take on cheap mic through garage band! I just wanted to get the lyrics down to see how it all flowed before I went to work putting them down for a final take. I did something weird at the bridge. I did a spoken word/rap/whatever you want to call it. I just went with whatever came to my head and repeated it a bit. By no means is that what I want lyrically, just wanted feedback on if doing something like this was dumb, or works. Perhaps if any real rappers/spoken word people want to add that part?

Any feedback on the songwriting/lyrics/etc.? Thanks!! :spank:

https://soundcloud.com/user4192418/break-me-downacre-mix

Here are the lyrics:

Hold me now
Tighter than you ever have
The light flickers out
The darkness it creeps back in

Walk with me, talk with me
Hold me one last time before it’s over
Yesterday seems far away tonight

Break me down
Take me from this town
I can’t take this anymore

I came to talk
The silence is defining
A house built on the rock
But the walls they’re closing in on me

Walk with me, talk with me
Hold me one last time before it’s over
Yesterday seems far away tonight

Break me down
Take me from this town
I can’t take this anymore
All my life, tried to do what was right
I can’t take this fight no more

Break me…

I thought I did it all for love
I thought He sent you from above

Rap part.
 
The Songwriting and Composition forum doesn't seem to generate a lot of responses. You might get more on the MP3 Clinic forum but it is hit or miss too. Lots of people post tracks asking for feedback. Few of them reciprocate by offering feedback on tracks others have posted. Will you?

The song: It seemed well put together, with kind of a 90s vibe. The melody was catchy. The various parts of the song were different enough from each other to keep interest and give a sense that the song is going somewhere. The performances seemed fine. The vocals were good. The lyrics were a bit emo and vague in the sense that they set out an emotional stance without establishing any kind of scene or story to back them up. Who is the speaker addressing? What is the relationship? What is the nature of his malaise? What does he want, really? I didn't mind the spoken part at the end but I though the shouted refrain that gets louder toward the end was distracting.

It's promising. Good luck.
 
I liked the song, as I like everything in country-rock style ala Daughtry.
The melody is nice, flows well, lyrics are also fine.
Hated the rap as it seems completely out of place. In Daughtry's you will never find rap, because its like mixing chocolate with salt and pepper.
 
Thanks for the feedback!! Robus, the song is about me wanting to leave my wife...and I live in a small town...so i'm limited to being a bit more vague than I would have liked. LOL! (cough, cough).

Cheers! :spank:
 
I really like this song!I'm a huge fan of what you did around 1:30 with the beat.
it has that sort of indie band vibe, but has such a deep flow to it. that bridge gets a little rap like, very poetic came as a pleasant surprise. how the hell do you have 7 views definitely get a like! the drums are very tight sounding, the only gripe i have with them is the snare tone. i feel like you could find a way too make it fit the song a bit better.
 
It's a cool tune, and you have a nice voice for sure. The melodies and all seem well-written. I have to confess I didn't know what the song was about, and when you said what it was about, I thought ... "Oh, damn!" I mean ... I knew it was about a relationship, but I couldn't tell to whom exactly you were always singing and if you were wanting things to work out or not. Some songs are more abstract and metaphorical, where the meaning is a bit obscured and can be interpreted differently by different people, and others are more plain-spoken and to the point (as in country music), where the meaning is obvious. (Obviously not every song fits neatly into one or the other, but hopefully you get my point.) This song sounds as though it's meant to be the latter category, but the meaning is a little more muddled than I was expecting.
 
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