Working On A New Song- Honest Thoughts?

A

AaronChapman

New member
Minus my rather tentative singing and at times messy guitar playing, do you think the song as a whole has any appeal?
You may want to read the lyrics before listening. I decided to sing quietly as not to be a bother to my family late at night :P. I won't tell you what the song means to me since I'd prefer you to interpret the song your own way. Enough of my rambling, here's the link: https://soundcloud.com/aaron-chap/thoughts-of-a-quiet-man-rough-demo-1
Lyrics:
Tired man sitting all alone.
In a dark room with nowhere to go.
Thinking alone to himself. Knowing himself.

An old friend comes around on a whim, he says I thought you left town, my friend? How bought we catch up again? It's been too long, my friend? Don't you know?

A weary no he says. I gotta be, I gotta to be alone again. I just can't pretend. I'd just be a bore, my friend. Don't you know?

Well, the years passed by and the time can reflect sore goodbyes. And you feel condemned. Couldn't get it off his mind. No, he couldn't keep it off his mind this time.

One day he was feeling fine, yearned to see his town, know his town again.
Felt like he had done a crime, needed to find his friend and make amends.
Asked a local man, said do you know where I can find my friend?
The man said with a heavy sigh, don't you know? You turned a blind eye.
He's been drinking again. Don't you know? He's been drinking again. Don't you know? Don't you know your friend? Don't you know? Don't you know? Don't you know your friend?

Found him there in the shady bar. In the murky light, they meet again.
They take a long look but it's not the same anymore.
He said not now my friend, I need some time alone again. Surely you understand, my friend. Surely you understand?

The tired man left the bar, a distorted look like he never left at all.
All my time alone again.To think. To think I'm really alone, again.
Oh, megalomania you haunt me once more. You haunt me once more. Oh, megalomania, you haunt me once more. You haunt me once more.
 
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Good tune, except that out of tune drop D is driving me crazy. Being a recording forum, there prob won't be lots of great comments on the condition of the mix, it's pretty rough and sounds like a cell phone recording a bit. Excellent vocal tone and control. Good lyrics, nice melody though I kind of wanted a break from it once in awhile and I was hoping for it to get more energy somewhere and pick up/change the pace a bit. It never did, and that melody remained constant throughout. I like it for the long verses, but I'd consider rearranging it a bit and adding a dramatic chorus or bridge, at least.

Would be nice to hear a full recording. Very good stuff
 
Thanks for the advice. This is definitely a crude recording since I don't have many resources at the moment. I would have used the zoomh4n but it's having some issues at the moment so I had to record this using Rode's Nt-USB mic (more directed towards podcasting). I was forced to compress areas and amplify the mids a gross amount in order to hear things properly (what good that did). Clearly, I haven't quite figured the device out yet. The furnace running in the background probably didn't help :P. Where in the song are you referring to the out of tune drop D? I had my guitar tuned to CGCFCE since it has a warm quality, but I agree there are some notes in the song that may sound dissonant. I think I spotted the note that's driving you crazy- the open low C propably? I actually don't mind it subdued (not sure if this is a negative perception caused from listening to Nick Drake and Elliott Smith's stuff too much.) some but it is distracting in areas when its ringing is too pronounced. Some areas of the song is dependant on that low C :P. Sometimes the drone of that C can sound distorted, so maybe I should attach a capo? My intention was to create an effect like heavy footsteps. I'll take a closer listen since I wouldn't want people to be off put by the unconventional tuning. Yes, after a few listens I agree the melody becomes monotonous. I was trying to make it a bit dreary but It appears I've made the melody predictable. I'll try to do something different. It's going to be tricky including a dramatic bridge, it's hard to know exactly where to insert it :P. Again, thanks for listening. I was a little lazy and just recorded it randomly, so I was basicaly guessing where the phrasing should be. I'll not be lazy and will record the song properly (with my limited experience I'm not sure what that means haha).
 
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Thanks for the advice. This is definitely a crude recording since I don't have many resources at the moment. I would have used the zoomh4n but it's having some issues at the moment so I had to record this using Rode's Nt-USB mic (more directed towards podcasting). I was forced to compress areas and amplify the mids a gross amount in order to hear things properly (what good that did). Clearly, I haven't quite figured the device out yet. The furnace running in the background probably didn't help :P. Where in the song are you referring to the out of tune drop D? I had my guitar tuned to CGCFCE since it has a warm quality, but I agree there are some notes in the song that may sound dissonant. I think I spotted the note that's driving you crazy- the open low C propably? I actually don't mind it subdued (not sure if this is a negative perception caused from listening to Nick Drake and Elliott Smith's stuff too much.) some but it is distracting in areas when its ringing is too pronounced. Some areas of the song is dependant on that low C :P. Sometimes the drone of that C can sound distorted, so maybe I should attach a capo? My intention was to create an effect like heavy footsteps. I'll take a closer listen since I wouldn't want people to be off put by the unconventional tuning. Yes, after a few listens I agree the melody becomes monotonous. I was trying to make it a bit dreary but It appears I've made the melody predictable. I'll try to do something different. It's going to be tricky including a dramatic bridge, it's hard to know exactly where to insert it :P. Again, thanks for listening. I was a little lazy and just recorded it randomly, so I was basicaly guessing where the phrasing should be. I'll not be lazy and will record the song properly (with my limited experience I'm not sure what that means haha).
 
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Just realized I had my guitar tuned half a step down from CGCFCE, so that one ringing note driving you crazy was a b :P. I think I'll make sure it's tuned CGCFCE exactly and maybe you'll feel better, haha. Regarding how the song needs some kind of build up. Do you think this section of the song would be good to implement some chord changes and a vocal outcry? When he's confounded by the alienation of himself and the guilt of his friend's mirrored plight? Ooh, you got me excited to try a few things now, lol.
At these exact lyrics:

Found him there in the shady bar. In the murky light, they meet again.
They take a long look but it's not the same anymore.
He said not now my friend, I need some time alone again. Surely you understand, my friend. Surely you understand?

Perhaps before this point too:

Well, the years passed by and the time can reflect sore goodbyes. And you feel condemned. Couldn't get it off his mind. No, he couldn't keep it in his mind this time.
 
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Aaron, I always like your tunes. Nick Drake re-incarnated.
I don't see anything wrong with the "messy" guitar playing. It's fine for the most part - some inconsistent dynamics but, oh well, it's human music not a machine. The low string sounds a little out of tune like andru noted. Sometimes it sounds more in tune, so maybe it's a different string that's off or an intonation issue. Agree with andru that it needs some kind of break, too. I like the dissonant part as a break, but it would be cool if it did one more change.
Great emotion in the vocal.
 
AaronChapman said:
Just realized I had my guitar tuned half a step down from CGCFCE, so that one ringing note driving you crazy was a c flat :P. I think I'll make sure it's tuned CGCFCE exactly and maybe you'll feel better, haha.
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Cb is a B, and if it hits against that F that's a tri-tone so...my guess is when that B hits against the F is the problem
 
Ah, Nola, you're too kind. My work isn't really intricate but I do try to maintain that stark quality. Ah, the uncanny tri-tone indeed. Exactly what I figure, Nola. I'll have to adjust my playing a bit. I like the subtle imperfections in my playing but I always envy that seamless clockwork guitarists such as Bert Jansch, Nick Drake, Elliot Smith, etc, possess. With a song such as this, I find the clunky sound of my mistakes to be a little endearing, though (that's my poor, sorry, excuse). Hmm, the chord formations in the composition are unforgiving but I'll try to work in some kind of change.
 
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Nola, you should check out Niel Halstead and Dave Gerard And The Watchmen. You may enjoy some of their music. Niel's song "Digging Shelters," influenced this piece some.
 
AaronChapman said:
Ah, Nola, you're too kind. My work isn't really intricate but I do try to maintain that stark quality. Ah, the uncanny tri-tone indeed. Exactly what I figure, Nola. I'll have to adjust my playing a bit. I like the subtle imperfections in my playing but I always envy that seamless clockwork guitarists such as Bert Jansch, Nick Drake, Elliot Smith, etc, possess. With a song such as this, I find the clunky sound of my mistakes to be a little endearing, though (that's my poor, sorry, excuse). Hmm, the chord formations in the composition is unforgiving but I'll try to work in some kind of change.
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Well I view two types of people who play music:

1. Songwriters
2. Musicians

The former usually don't care about errors and just want the songs realized. The latter care a lot about actual musicianship and thus the errors. So you're in the former, which I think is totally fine. But if you do want to improve all those imperfections just use a metronome when practicing, go slow, and focus intently on the error. Go so slow you don't make it. The move on. You'll improve fast and a lot. If you don't mind the errors just keep writing good songs and say F 'em! To me they don't get in the way but to the people who care about that stuff they'll be a deal breaker. Personally I like writing songs most, but do try to improve musicianship as I go through the process so I'm somewhere in between and appreciate both sides.

AaronChapman said:
Nola, you should check out Niel Halstead and Dave Gerard And The Watchmen. You may enjoy some of their music. Niel's song "Digging Shelters," influenced this piece some.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the recs, I'll do that now.
 
Nola said:
Well I view two types of people who play music:

1. Songwriters
2. Musicians

The former usually don't care about errors and just want the songs realized. The latter care a lot about actual musicianship and thus the errors. So you're in the former, which I think is totally fine. But if you do want to improve all those imperfections just use a metronome when practicing, go slow, and focus intently on the error. Go so slow you don't make it. The move on. You'll improve fast and a lot. If you don't mind the errors just keep writing good songs and say F 'em! To me they don't get in the way but to the people who care about that stuff they'll be a deal breaker. Personally I like writing songs most, but do try to improve musicianship as I go through the process so I'm somewhere in between and appreciate both sides.



Thanks for the recs, I'll do that now.
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I hope to strike a nice balance between the two. As far as I'm concerned, if I'm a more disciplined and skilled musician I'll have more creative freedom within my songwriting. Though, I can't say I'm exactly commited right now since this is more of a hobby of mine which I'm happy with. Good, good, I think you'll enjoy their stuff :P
 
That is true, I hope to strike a nice balance between the two. My notion is that if I discipline myself as a musician by developing new skills and honing the old, I procure/yield greater creative freedom within my songwriting. Sometimes, when I allow my musicianship to become lazy that laziness is then translated in my writing. The old aphorism that bad habits promote more bad habits :P. I most certainly don't want to be obsessive about it, though. Good, good, I think you'll enjoy them. Woops, silly me, didn't realize there are separate pages in the forums so I thought the above didn't post, hence why I repeated myself. My bad.
 
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Yeah that bottom string is out of tune on all notes!

Your song has a nice sound overall, but at almost 5 minutes its just too long as played. The open high strings are used throughout the song (sorry I skipped ahead a few times, got to head to work soon), so there's not much to distinguish between verse, chorus and bridge. The chorus should have some 'build' in it (it should be the 'sing along' part) and the bridge should change things enough to make the listener go 'hey, that's different!'

No excuse on the recording, if you can't get good tracking done with a Rodes figure out why! You've got a lot of lip-smack/mouth noise going on. Record guitar(s) separately from vocals unless you're just working on ideas.
 
mjbphotos said:
Yeah that bottom string is out of tune on all notes!

Your song has a nice sound overall but at almost 5 minutes its just too long as played. The open high strings are used throughout the song (sorry I skipped ahead a few times, got to head to work soon), so there's not much to distinguish between verse, chorus, and bridge. The chorus should have some 'build' in it (it should be the 'sing along' part) and the bridge should change things enough to make the listener go 'hey, that's different!'

No excuse on the recording, if you can't get good tracking done with a Rodes figure out why! You've got a lot of lip-smack/mouth noise going on. Record guitar(s) separately from vocals unless you're just working on ideas.
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Thanks for listening. I've never been one for choruses in folk music since I enjoy the narrative side but I do need to make a more nuanced song. Maybe I can spice things up a bit by adding a bridge and some chord changes, I'll give it a shot. I'm re-working the song now :P. In a subtle way, I was trying to use areas of repetition as my own masked chorus but I need to add a build up. Specifically on the second portion of this line - He said not now my friend, I need some time alone again. Surely you understand, my friend. Surely you understand?- however, I did like its initial mirroring because it added some irony. I'll have to restructure the song. Back to brainstorming I go :P
 
It's promising but it really needs a chorus. The energy level never varies and gets tedious. I'd suggest after "don't you know" and then a couple of times more in the song. I'm not crazy about the fit between lyrics and melody in a number of places. You're crowding in a lot of words, which wind up being mumbled to fit them into the space you have. Almost like a spoken word piece. Maybe a more confident delivery could pull it off. From a songwriting point of view, I'd be looking to slim down some of those lines, leave room to give melodic emphasis to long vowel sounds.

The last couple of lines of your lyric break narrative flow. In most of the song you're telling a story. The "megalomania" bit comes across as self-absorbed.

Just my thoughts.
 
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If you were sitting in front of me with your guitar I would be looking for a subtle vocal relief of monotony. High notes with angst to mix it up & break the somber tone. I was singing the melody I would put in (at least the first note) & you went there on your little musical interlude is where it was (1:33).....This is the Chorus you need

I was singing something like this repeat 2X (dummy words) This should be your title phrase too.

"And Tiiiiiiiiiiiii-----mmme doesn't change a-thing....
Tiiiiiiiiiiiii-----mmme doesn't change a-thing.....

Now....with that being said all I did was sing the same melody with your title & it fits like a glove....

Thoughtsssss (of a) quie--t mannnnn........
Thoughtsssss (of a) quie--t mannnnn........

I would incorporate that as a Chorus/hook after each verse as it it catchy and gives much needed change to the mood of song...

And you can end the tune with it too....
 
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Robus said:
It's promising but it really needs a chorus. The energy level never varies and gets tedious. I'd suggest after "don't you know" and then a couple of times more in the song. I'm not crazy about the fit between lyrics and melody in a number of places. You're crowding in a lot of words, which wind up being mumbled to fit them into the space you have. Almost like a spoken word piece. Maybe a more confident delivery could pull it off. From a songwriting point of view, I'd be looking to slim down some of those lines, leave room to give melodic emphasis to long vowel sounds.

The last couple of lines of your lyric break narrative flow. In most of the song you're telling a story. The "megalomania" bit comes across as self-absorbed.

Just my thoughts.
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I agree, Robus, the song could use a chorus or some kind of special refrain. I'll take everything you've said into account. How come the exploring self-absorption is a bad thing? The whole song is about the cynical behavior of the tired man. The man's tiredness is caused by his inability to connect with other, the consequence of his narrow ambitions. The tired man alienated himself and his friend by valuing his own thoughts more than the concerns of others. Perhaps I should detract from such a somber message but I don't usually care if a song is melancholic, despairing, bitter, vain, superficial, as long as the song is honest.Maybe it's not apparent enough in my writing but I think it can be assumed that a man who neglects his friend for years, living an isolated life, is a little selfish. So, I don't think it should come as a surprise that eventually the tired man is overcome with guilt. When the tired man finds his friend in the bar he believes the damage is irreparable since his friend has become apathetic and cold. When the tired man sees's this he can't help but feel responsible for his friend's anguish. The tired man has remorse in a moment of self-honesty. He realizes how fragile existence can be and the destruction that is involved when you ignore this fragility. I don't find the ending as self-absorbed as the rest of the song; in the end, I think the character in the story shows some redeeming qualities. He expresses sympathy to his friend for a change. You're right though this sympathy becomes overshadows by self-loathing. What can we expect, it takes time to rectify bad habits. I see what you're saying about the whole megalomania usage. I have been considering rewording that phrase since Megalomania in this context may be too dark. I already expressed the tired man's regret in the last verse when he realizes he's alone. I think I may express his dread in a more tacit way. I don't think I'll omit the self-absorption factor in the narrative, though, I feel like it is important to the message. It would be nice to have some kind of positive resolution but with this narrative, I feel that would be disingenuous. Thanks for input :).
 
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