new song -- first attempt

I

icystorm

Guest
I wrote a new song and I recorded it using Jamstudio.com and Acoustica's Mixcraft 3. I am not a singer (and it shows) but I would appreciate feedback about the song itself. I would love it if a female vocalist would record the lead vocals to the song, just for fun. Anyone interested? The song is in the key of A.

Thanks kindly.

"First Love"

Written by: Joseph Spain
Music created using Jamstudio.com and Acoustica Mixcraft 3
URL: http://www.box.net/shared/j5hlqzuhut


verse 1

When darkness falls and you're asleep
and dreaming does your heart beat faster
Do you replay the love we made
The summer when our love began as only friends
The sweetest kisses never end
There's truth inside your memories
Your heart reveals you've always loved me

chorus

Can you hear me, my one love in your mind
And can you see me, my one love with your eyes
And can you feel me, my one love inside your heart
Please believe, tell me you love me
My love, please believe your first love can never die

verse 2

Someday in time, our story goes
you'll be with me, your love will save me
There'll come a day my heart will be the one you hold
Across the sea and timeless sands
You'll drink of water from my hands
Surrender to your memories
Our hearts are one, you'll always love me

chorus

Can you hear me, my one love in your mind
And can you see me, my one love with your eyes
And can you feel me, my one love inside your heart
Please believe, tell me you love me
My love, please believe your first love can never die


chorus

Can you hear me, my one love in your mind
And can you see me, my one love with your eyes
And can you feel me, my one love inside your heart
Please believe, tell me you love me
My love, please believe your first love can never die

release

Can you hear me, my one love in your mind
Can you see me, my one love with your eyes
Can you hear me, my one love in your mind
Can you see me, my one love with your eyes

(repeat release through fade)
 
You'll need a de esser for your voice & a spit screen.
You'll need something brighter or more dynamic to carry the melody in the intro & between verses. There's a chronic lack of dynamic in the frequencies you've used, the instrumentation & levels.
That said it sounds like it can be something really good.
The lyrics are a bit twee for me but not out of synch with popular tastes.
the over lapping lines work well.
I can understand whu everythings drenched in reverb/effect a la Enya & it works mostly but...well dynamics are lost as a result.
Good start - you have a song, production ideas, instrumentation & if nothing else a scratch/sketch vocal - though it WAY better than I could muster.
Did you record dry? If you did you might be able to do a dry mix & then slowly intro the verb & effects.
 
Thank you for the feedback and suggestions, Ray. I appreciate it. I recorded it "dry" using a cheap mic on my home computer and added the effects using Acoustica.

For the lyrics, I always go for the abstract.

My greatest musical influence is... well, I'll keep that quiet for now. Heh.

Best Regards,
Joseph (icystorm)
 
When you say "dry", do you mean "as recorded with no effects or music" (e.g. just the unprocessed vocals?)

Thanks.

Joseph
 
RayC has a lot of good points about the song that I would refer you back to...
The sibilence has got to go - I would suggest you buy yourself a better mic for recording. Your voice is actually quite good, so keep up the singing. If a girl were to take this on it would likely need to be raised a tone or more, A is a bit low for some girls. The song itself is good - very 80's feel to it with the instruments and effects you've used. I found myself waiting for it to resolve to the root chord, so it left me anticipating a bit more than I wanted to...

:D:):D:)
 
Response to RayC:

Thanks once again for the valuable feedback and insight. You sound like you may be a music professor or teacher.

I will mix a "vocals only - dry" mix to MP3 soon for additional feedback at your convenience. Thank you.

Response to Ido1957:

Thank you for the feedback and kind words. I may take your advice and get a better microphone soon. My goal is simply to record decent demos for a vocalist who may wish to record one of my songs (...for fun).

I am indeed influenced by the music from the 80s.

Response to aidan_m:

I may try to join soundclick soon. Thanks.

----------

Here is an early, *very* rough demo of the chorus of a new song I have written, entitled "Heaven and Earth"...

http://www.box.net/shared/0g7gbchavi

Comments, feedback, and criticism are appreciated, as always.

In this latest demo, I was unpleasantly surprised at how "robotic" and "sterile" my vocals sound with the overdubbing. This is quite different from what the song sounds like in my head... and I missed a few notes too and I was very flat on others.

I hope I may have resolved that issue during the car drives to and from my office. Hopefully, I will convey more emotion in the next demo I am planning.

Basically, I was recording part of a line and then recording the next part of the same line in order to have a my lungs filled with air so that I'm not out of breath and weakening at the end of a line. The result is the emotion of the song is lost and it sounds too artificial to me.

Also, I have found that I record vocals much better without the music track playing over the headphones. For some reason the music *really* distracts me and alters the way I sing. I sing much better and with more emotion without the music. I simply need to keep time with the song so that when I mix it, the vocals line up with the music.

Thanks again, all. :)

Joseph
 
OK, first thing, when the vocals came in, you slammed the instrumental levels, it was like the Karaoke DJ running over and turning the volume down on the track... no, no, no, bad bad bad! :) Just let it roll.

I think a lot of the thing you're probably perceiving as "missing" is that the percussion as no punch, no drive; and the bass doesn't help it along, so the groove has no "ass" at all...

It's a cool tune, but the arrangement is sort of Boy George on methadone, it just kinds drones on with not a lot of emotion. The saucy vocal treatment can't carry it. Needs a real drummer... I know this is sounding like I hate it, but I really don't; it's got a ton of potential... Definitely 80s...
 
The Cure definitely had a couple of good songs, IMHO, but they were not one of my influences. :)

Thanks for the feedback. :D

Joseph
 
Llarion, were you referring to the first song with the full demo, or the chorus-only demo of the second song?

I think you meant the second song, chorus only...

If so, I definitely agree it is missing better percussion and I definitely want to avoid the Boy George/Pet Shop Boys sound. They are not representative of my influences.

And never shy away from an honest response. I'd much rather have honest feedback than one with sugarcoating. I definitely don't mind someone saying, "It sucks, because..." :)

My goal is to improve the next demo... and the next one... and the next... etc. Your feedback helps me do that.

Joseph
 
Llarion, were you referring to the first song with the full demo, or the chorus-only demo of the second song?

I think you meant the second song, chorus only...

If so, I definitely agree it is missing better percussion and I definitely want to avoid the Boy George/Pet Shop Boys sound. They are not representative of my influences.

And never shy away from an honest response. I'd much rather have honest feedback than one with sugarcoating. I definitely don't mind someone saying, "It sucks, because..." :)

My goal is to improve the next demo... and the next one... and the next... etc. Your feedback helps me do that.

Joseph

I dunno, I clicked on the link in post #1...

Don't worry, I can give my share of negative feedback; but there's no reaosn to be rude about it. You'll never see that from me.
 
HEy I could only listen on my computer speakers at work so I will just comment on the song itself. I think the lyrics are really good and that it is a pretty decent song overall. It seems to be me it would sound really great if it was a little darker, maybe a little electric guitar playing a minor chord arrpeggio quietly in the background, but that is just my opinion. Good song though!!!
 
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